So I lied…

{ October 15, 2009 @ 1:24 pm } · { Nonfiction }
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I’m not sure if i feel apologetic about lying but i figure the least i could do is admit i lied and tell the truth. for those of you who read this who are not quite up to speed, my relationship with one william white (formerly known as ‘chocolate boy’) is over. i ended it and i’m damn glad i did when i did, though i recognize that i probably should have ended it sooner. probably even before i put that ring on. now about that lie…

when word got out among my family and and friends that the wedding was off and the relationship was over, i got a lot of “what happened?” and “why did you break up with him?”. my response was something along the lines of “i did a little soul searching and decided that i needed to get to know myself better before i sealed myself to someone for the rest of eternity.” this was only partially true.

now when i was actually in the process of breaking up with my former fiance, i told him that i was breaking up with him because i wasn’t ready to be married, that he was a “wonderful man and deserved so much better than me”. this was a total and complete lie. fortunately for me, the truthful answers to both of these situations are the same.

so what’s the truth?

in all honesty, i ended my relationship with will because will was–for lack of a better word–a jerk. a very childish one at that. unfortunately i can’t detail the full extent of his jerkiness becuase he was one of the bigger ones and there’s a lot to it. there is one thing that bothered more than all the other things combined, and that was his lack of respect for me. and when i say “me,” i really mean me, my family, my friends, my intelligence, my chosen field of study…pretty much every possible aspect of my life. he would verbally shoot me down, rather than encourage me; he insulted me in front of my friends and family; whenever there was something he didn’t know about me (and there were a lot of those) he just made whatever assumption was most demeaning because i am a woman or because i am black or something equally derogatory; he couldn’t go a day without pointing out the fact that i’m black or making some comment about it; and he basically disregarded any opinion i had that didn’t concede with his own.

then, there was the subject of his generally sedentary lifestyle. he never cooked unless it was microwavable; he never did his laundry; his groceries consisted of cereal, hot pockets, and pizza; he spent all of his time inside playing with his wii rather than interacting with other people (which i guess makes him more reclusive than sedentary); and he was happy to live in an apartment filled with the amount of trash that builds up between monthly apartment cleaning checks.

after that comes the lack of any common interests between us: i love to read; he is practically illiterate. i love chocolate; he is allergic to chocolate. i love music; he listens to mostly country. i like to live a day at a time; he likes to plan every moment of every day of his life (and that of whoever he is currently dating). i live to soak up as much culture as i can; he is happy in his redneck ways. i am a pacifist; he is ridiculously violent. i enjoy learning languages; he thinks everyone should speak english. etcetera, etcetera, and so on, and so on.

after that, i address the lack of effort on his part. when the Twilight movie came out in the dollar theater, will and i went to see it together. then i found out that one of my best friends hadn’t seen it yet so i asked will if he would be okay seeing it a second time so that my friend could have a chance to see it. he said it was fine. when the day to see the movie came, he remembered that he had to turn in an assignment by a certain time and he wouldn’t be able to go, so i said “okay, i guess i’ll see you after the movie.” his response was “yeah, if you love <insert friend’s name> more than you love me.” am i the only person on the planet to whom this does not make sense? my defense was that he had already seen the movie once before and, if his issue was with my decision to spend time with my best friend rather than wait for him that afternoon, he should have realized he was the one i was going to marry, not her (my friend) and one night without me wouldn’t kill him. now if there’s anyone out there who can find anything logical in his problem, i beg you to enlighten me. at that point, i should have said “you’re right. i do love <insert name> more than i love you.”–because it was true then; i just didn’t realize it because of my fear–given him his ring back and asked him never to darken my doorstep again. BUT what i actually did was cancel the whole movie with my friend, wait for him to get back from dropping his assignment off, and spend the evening doing what i could to make him happy while secretly seething with an anger that rivaled Hera’s at Zeus’s constant infidelity. i think what i mean to say is that i worked my ass off to keep the relationship alive while he just sat there and…expected.

and finally, the last detail that made me absolutely sure that my relationship was destined to end can be explained in the following:

the week before i made the decision to break it off for good, i asked will to go on a walk with me because we needed to talk. i told him i wasn’t happy with the way things were going, that we had become distant, and that whatever it was that we had had in the beginning of our relationship was dead. i asked him if he had felt anything like that and his answer was that he hadn’t. i asked him if he wanted to keep trying with some improvements to the relationship and his answer was that he did. that didn’t completely satisfy me so i asked him why he wanted to keep trying, why he wanted to be with me. his answer was something along the lines of “i see the way you treat others and the way you love me and i know you’re the one for me.” i have to admit that i was a little flattered because i do try to show people as much love as i can, but my first thought after his answer was ” but i don’t love you.” i mean, i did love him at one point, but that love disappeared–no, died over the course of our relationship. by the time we were having that conversation, the wonderful, powerful, romantic “i want to spend the rest of my life with you” love that i had felt had dwindled down to an “i’m going to be civil to you because you’re someone with whom i spend most of my time” love. one week during which nothing changed later, i finally told him all the lies that i had mentioned in the beginning of this entry and broke it off for good, and you know what he did? absolutely nothing. he didn’t ask me to stay, he didn’t try to defend the relationship, he didn’t even get upset. he simply accepted it and went into his apartment, probably to play with his wii. that told me a couple of things. first, that the fate of the relationship had always been in my hands and would always be in the hands of the woman he is with, because he is the type of guy who considers a successful relationship as one in which he hasn’t been broken up with yet. second, that he never loved me; he just wanted to fill a BYU social convention by getting married. this also explains why he was so unaffected by my opting out of marrying him: he just figured he’d move on to the next girl. (by the way the explanations are all pure conjecture. did i forget to mention that?)

anyway, I’m at the end of the entry now, and there won’t be one to follow this one. the point is, once my relationship with will became “serious” it was destined for failure. and the only reason i held on to it for as long as i did was because of my fear of being alone. when i finally realized that being alone would be far better for me than being stuck in a marriage with someone whom i essentially couldn’t stand to be around, i took the necessary action and let me tell you, it was one of the best decisions i have ever made. so i apologize to will if his feelings got hurt–though i don’t think they did. (you can’t hurt what isn’t there)–and i apologize to everyone else for taking so long to finally come up with an appropriate answer to their questions. it took me this long to figure it out myself (and to finally break contact with will so that i know he won’t read this). if there are any more questions, you know where the comment box is. ^_^

Peace + Love = :)

Help My Big Sis!

{ February 21, 2009 @ 1:30 pm } · { Nonfiction }
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I don’t know how many people actually read this little blog of mine but I’d like to think that by posting something here I’ll be doing my part to help someone I love and care for, my big sister Johane! I would try to explain it myself but I think it would be better if I just paste the email into this entry. Please read it and tell your friends about it! Reposting in your own blogs is also a good way to go!

Thanks much!

Feech

Email:

Dear Friends and Family,

I am writing to ask for your help in this important endeavor that I have embarked on in Anguilla.  As many of you know, I left New York to take a deputy principal position in a private international school called The Teacher Gloria Omololu Institute on a small paradise called Anguilla.  Circumstances have changed, and I am now the principal of the school.  I must say this has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life and one of the most challenging due to the financial difficulties the institute faces.

The Teacher Gloria Omololu Institute serves an international group of 73 students from 12 different countries such as, USA, Indonesia, France, and South Africa in a one story house.  We are truly filling a need here on the island of Anguilla by providing all children –gifted or special needs-with a holistic educationthat meet their cognitive, intellectual, and emotional needs.  Unfortunately, we may no longer be able to offer our educational programme if we do not receive substantial funding.  The school has created three fundraising programmes that have the potential to help us survive the school year until we can obtain long term funding.

Thus, I am writing you this email to ask you to support me in this endeavor.  I am making this sacrifice for the children whom I have grown to love, and as you know my daughter Arielle is one of those adorable children.  I know that you will feel empowered to contribute to this cause because of your own commitment to education and your love of children.

I would appreciate it if you include a link to our website on your website to increase exposure to this very worthy cause.  If you know or work with anyone that has a blog, a website or a newsletter, please ask them to include a link to our website at www.omololu-institute.com, the more people know about this, the better!

Thank you for supporting my dreams wherever they have lead me-especially this one-on a small tiny island that you’ve had to google over the past few months.

With love and appreciation,

Johane

100 Reasons…

{ January 18, 2009 @ 5:46 pm } · { Nonfiction }
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(In No Particular Order) Why I LOVE William White:

1) He makes me smile 99.9 percent of the time (and the only time he doesn’t (the .1%) is when I’m suffering from Over Dramatic Emo Disorder)

2) He tells me he loves me at least twice  a day.

3) He braves the January night air to get me cheeseburgers from DQ when I have random dead aminal cravings.

4) He loves the Gospel more than anyone I know.

5) He loves David Tennant in a way that I probably shouldn’t be okay with.

6) He makes it very clear where he stands on any subject, and manages to do so in a way that offends almost no one.

7) He rubs my back when I ask him too, and lets me pay him with looooove since I’m crap at back rubs.

8) He makes dirty jokes.

9) He is so incredibly OCD about planning his future that I have to admire him, even though it can be a little annoying at times. ^^

10) He has a Book of Mormon in Haitian Creole… and actually reads it!

11) He likes to shoot things… which actually surprises me because it totally goes against my pacifistic ways.

12) He can’t cook to save his life, except for meatloaf (which i still have yet to have tried).

13) He’s not much of  a people pleaser and is therefore a good example (for me) of how to not get walked all over.

14) He has the most AMAZING smell.

15) He has really straight teeth.

16) He lets me pull out his arm hair, even though it hurts him.

17) He lets me run my fingers through his leg hair.

18) His kisses light a fire in me that only honest to goodness hard work can put out.

19) He speaks French!

20) He only has eight contacts in his cell phone.

21) He puts up with my crap. And I have a LOT of crap.

22) His favorite color is chartreuse.

23) He knows the onlyname for people raised in the bubble is “Utard”.

24) He has the scriptures, like…memorized.

25) He bought me scriptures even though I told him I wasn’t ready to commit to my own set.

26) He agrees with me when I say Utah would be one of if not the worst place to raise our children.

27) He picks up in my weirdo language (Feechanese) and uses it in everyday speech…sometimes even more than I do.

28) He doesn’t even pretend to be interested in my word-nerdiness.

29) He wears a t-shirt, jeans, and a sweatshirt everyday that isn’t sunday (except in the spring and ssummer, of course, when he doesn’t wear the sweatshirt).

30) He lets me wear his sweatshirt and use his body for warmth when my anemia kicks in.

31) He loves that I don’t wear makeup.

32) He says I’m insane, but always follows up with and “I love you”.

33) His phone is always on vibrate.

34) He is an endless source of amusement. (i.e. “Suck it, Baby Peach!”)

35) He loves it when I run my fingers through his hair.

36) He can’t take hints, which gives me an excuse to be very blunt.

37) He belches like Barney Gumble.

38) He puts the stupid/silly things I say on his quote wall on Facebook.

39) He keeps a quote wall on facebook!

40) He asks me if I’m “snoog drunk” after we kiss.

41) He makes the most interesting, outrageous, and yet perfectly clear analogies to get me to see things from his point of view.

42) He calls sandwiches “sambitches”.

43) He bought me a pi tie because I mentioned in passing that I wanted one.

44) He protects me from the weeping angels.

45) He buys pineapple milkshakes when I get chocolate sundaes.

46) His testimony is so strong, it’s almost tangible.

47) He has seen the fro and thinks it is “wicked awesome”.

48) He knows all the words to “Teardrops on my Guitar”.

49) He has auto-responses, and sometimes he uses the wrong ones.

50) He’ll eat anything that’s food.

51) He tells me my chicken is tasty, even if it’s way too salty.

52) He has reeeeeealy pretty eyes.

53) His hands are unbelievably soft. And he doesn’t moisturize.

54) He keeps inside jokes between us alive, even though they’re months old.

55) He loves my face-skin.

56) He says we’re going to have really good-looking children.

57) He “tells me what”.

58) He knows I have a fabulous @$$.

59) He doesn’t mind (or at least I don’t think he does) that my feet get dry and cracked and gross in the Utah heat.

60) He is fully aware of the uselessness of a B.A in English.

61) Thinking about how much I love him is the only thing that can make me smile 100% of the time when I’m all alone and having an episode.

62) He lets me pull hairs out from various parts of his body, even though it does cause him physical pain, though he didn’t tell me it hurt so I stopped when I did find out.

63) “…the kissing disease?”

64) He’s okay with the fact that our children will hate us for the names we want to give them.

65) He’s almost as sarcastic as I am.

66) He has a wonderful, bueatiful, amazing face!

67) I already mentioned this, but his hands are RIDICULOUSLY SOFT! And I must add that he doesn’t moisturize!

68) He doesn’t believe in being PC.

69) He laughs when I remind him that I am a pacifist.

70) He doesn’t mind being lazy with me on the couch when I’m tired and don’t want to go anywhere fun.

71) He makes a high pitched scream noise (well, he used to, but not so much anymore) when something assaults his ears.

72) He is allergic to five times as many things as I am.

73) He’ll always try something new…with a little cajoling…and if it’s reasonable.

74) He calls freshmen n00bs.

75) He doesn’t make assumptions about me.

76) He knows about my not so great past and has no expectations.

77) He isn’t afraid to ask me anything…I don’t think.

78) I’m happiest when I’m in his arms.

79) He actually prayed about our relationship.

80) He doesn’t swear.

81) He doesn’t think listening to anything that isn’t MoTab on Sunday is a sin.

82) He said yes when I asked him to marry me, instead of asking him out.

83) He’s sooooooo American.

84) He’s temple worthy but not Peter Priesthood.

85) He has no desire to be Peter Priesthood.

86) His hair grows up!

87) He does a mean Baptist Preacher.

88) He has a sick sense of humor…just like me. ^_^

89) His cell phone respects no man…or woman.

90) He thinks BYU’s math department is the devil.

91) He blames BYU’s math department, Windows Vista, and the n00bs for… everything.

92) He bought me my dream ring!

93) He eats three times faster than I do… which kind of concerns me, but there’s really nothing i can do about it so I’ve decided to love him for it.

94) He tells me when I’m being completely irrational.

95) He loves football like I love Harry Potter.

96) When I told him there were 256 ways to enjoy a Wendy’s cheeseburger, he responded with “Oh, that’s 2^8.”

97) He agrees with me when I joke around and tell him he’s lucky I’m perfect.

98) He finds my biggest, juiciest belches “smexxy”.

99) He ends all of our IM conversations with three hearts.

100) His answer to any question of the whereabouts of any particular item, person, or place is “In my pants!”

<3 <3

Do nothing…

{ December 28, 2008 @ 7:13 pm } · { Nonfiction }
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i’m getting married! that much, i know. what i don’t know is when. now, there’s no need to be concerned; i’m not trapped in an engagement with some good for nothing with commitment issues. i’ve got the best guy a girl could ask  for. that being the case, i want to be the best girl this guy could have asked for. i thought i was already at that place, but now i’m not so sure.

i guess what i’m really trying to say is am i ready to get married in july? i thought i was but now as i’m making plans and calling people and thinking about caterers and dj’s and all that wedding jazz, i feel like it’s a little much. i feel like i’m rushing to get things done and somewhere along the way, i lost that voice that was telling me that i was doing the right thing. now, i feel so … overwhelmed. i mean, the list of things that i have to do just keeps getting longer, i’ve got ideas pouring out of my ears, i feel like i say something different to every person i talk to about the wedding and the only thing that’s really definite is the date, which i haven’t actually told any of the important people.

maybe i’m cracking under the pressure? or maybe the date isn’t … the right one. maybe it is too soon…

this all seems kind of sudden, what with my not having written anything about this marriage before but that’s just because everything i’ve felt since we (chocolate boy and i) made our engagement official has unfortuantely stayed inside my head rather than been vocalized or written down. it’s my curse, i know, but doesn’t that say something about me? something like this is one of those things that you have to resolve before you tie the knot?

crap. i used to be so sure of myself, of who i was and now… i feel like i’m slipping through my own fingers, like i’m buried under all of this wedding planning stuff  and i can’t enjoy… where i am right now.

i’m engaged. i’m engaged to a man that i love more than i’ve ever loved anyone, more than i ever thought i could love anyone. i’m at a place in my life that i always dreamed of reaching but never seriously believed i would. and now that i’m here, i should be ecstatic… but i’m not. i’m borderline miserable and for the longest time, i could figure out why andthen it hit me today.

i forgot my family. i left them out. not just out of the wedding, but out of my life. i moved to utah and started living my dream life and basically shut them out under the false hope that by the time i got engaged/married we’d be closer. well, that time is now and my family and i might as well be on opposite sides of the planet!

i mean, i’ve been talking to them for the past few weeks and this whole marriage thing feels like it’s just come out of the blue, you know? and that’s exactly what i didn’t want to happen. i guess i just got so concerned with leaving all of my problems behind in the east and living my own life that i forgot how to be a daughter/niece/cousin/sister. i became so obsessed with becoming my own person that i detached myself from them and now they don’t know the woman i’ve become. i don’t know how else to say it; i made myself a stranger to the ones i should be closest to. i kind of screwed myself over and now i’m paying for it.

the problem goes much deeper than that but i already have a stress headache and there’s too much to it to actually put down all at once. 

i talked to my cousin jo about my concerns (well, i told her that i felt like i was starting to lose my focus) and she gave me the best advice i could ever ask for. yup, you guessed it. do nothing. that’s all. do nothing. enjoy life. be happy with yourself and where you are right now. the rest, if it’s meant to come, will come.

so that’s what i’m going to do. nothing. i’m not going to make any wedding plans, i’m not going to worry about anyhing, i’m not going to bounce any ideas off of anyone. as of right now, there is no wedding. there is school, there is my family, there is church, there is work, and there is will.

what i will do with all of my emotional free time is try to reestablish and strengthen those family bonds that i lost i don’t even know how long ago. i’ll also try to get a better understanding of myself, my strenghths and my weaknesses, and to get a better picture of where i’m going. i hope the two go hand in hand because i don’t just want a wedding; i want my wedding, my marriage, at which my family are not just guests who simply drop by or phone. i don’t want to just be a bride, i want to know that i’m going to be and be ready to be a wife. and if my marriage and my life as a wife  is meant to begin this summer, it will. if not, i can wait.

Not so down with the sickness…

{ November 13, 2008 @ 11:34 am } · { Nonfiction }
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OH MY GOSH MY NOSE IS ON FIRE!!! i woke up this morning and wanted to murder someone. (you, know, that happens to me a lot. i mean, one of my roommmates turned the heat up while i was sleeping, one time, so i woke up to mississippi and my response was ‘i woke up and wanted to kill someone’. i’m thinkin maybe i should do something about that…) right now, my nose is in that awkard stage of congestation where it’s just blocked enough that breathing is uncomfortable but not impossible; my throat feels like there are little ragged chips of cement sticking to its surface; and don’t forget the gallons of phlegm in there, making it hard to even talk! my head is pounding, and feels cracked on the right side, my ears feel like they should be bleeding, my gums are swollen, and my teeth are sore! i can’t even stand up, let alone go to class or work. heck, i can barely stay awake! and UGH!!!! my nasal decongestant just dripped into my throat and now i can taste it! i feel like crap, and there’s nothing i can do about it but lay in bed and be useless. and i use the term bed very loosely, because i sleep on the couch…

i can’t say that i didn’t see this coming, though. with the amount of work i have on my plate and the amount of sleep i sacrifice to get that work done, there’s no way i could have made it through this semester without contracting some kind of virus. ew… that actually sounds a little dirty. great, now i’ve made myself out to be a prostitute. DON’T JUDGE ME!!! oh my gosh, why am i writing when i should be using this sick day to get better? in all seriousness, though, i’m not a prostitute. i think the only days i ever really get a decent amount of sleep are saturdays, and that’s not friday night going into saturday; it’s late saturday night going into sunday morning. i don’t have church until one in the afternoon so i can sleep till i can’t stand it anymore. i am positive that worked out because Heavenly Father took one look at the fall ‘08 section of the schedule of my life and said “this girl is a nutcase, with all the stuff she’s trying to do! i better step in before she kills herself…” and for that, i am so grateful. it makes me feel just a little bit less miserable.

i suppose now would be a good time to get that well needed rest, but, while i’ve got you here, i’m going to do a bit of catch-up and explanation. well, i guess explanation and catch-up. first off, about the post before this one, i was going to write something in more or less the same style but a bit more positive, but then i lost the time and it was two weeks too late. i’m a writer, you know that! i need to explore the scope of human emotion so i can accurately incorporate it into my own characters. not only that, but i write fiction! of course i’m going to exaggerate for the sake of the story. so, bottom line: yes, i was feeling a bit tired and sad (probably owing to the fact that i hadn’t eaten that day) but i’m not suicidal! and i only say that because i got some grief for that post in the “do you need to go back to therapy?” way. sometimes i feel like that’s all people see in me: a ticking time-bomb. i’ve had my problems and i’m over them now, i say, but it seems like there are still people who are just waiting for me to blow up! it makes me sad, because there are so many good things about me that they miss, worrying about something that’s become so insignificant to me. oh, and here’s a tip, if i want to kill myself, i’ll use the word “die”. seriously, when have you ever seen/heard me use the word ‘perish’ in a nonliterary situation? silly people… please make more of an effort to know me as a whole (i know it’s tough, but if i can do it…) and let go of whatever little part of me you’re holding onto, because realising the people who should know you best don’t know you at all is a frustrating.

that’s my schpiel. i’m done now. i was going to to catch-up, but this entry is quickly appraching epic proportions (800+ words) so i’m going to take a breather…or a sleeper, since i can’t really breath right now. one good thing about today that was probably not directly related to my having gotten sick (note the use of the possissive before the gerund) is that i woke up this morning to the realisation that i had dreamt that i was harry potter. more news on that later. ;)

Shh…

{ October 17, 2008 @ 7:37 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Falencia Jean-Francois is a self-centered, self-loathing, swirling, ball of self-destruction. She likes to push herself and see how far she can get before she completely destroys herself. She enjoys the feeling of emptiness that consumes her when she knows she’s skipped one too many meals, the fatigue that washes over her when she knows she’s thrown one too many nights away. She relishes in the familiar depression that takes her over, mind and body…

Falencia Jean-Francois is sick of herself. She can’t stand the sight of her own face or the sound of her own voice. She hates her skin and all the burdens that come with it. Her words are empty, meaningless whispers that poison the lives of those who get too close…

Falencia Jean-Francois can’t remember a time when she didn’t want to burn, bruise, bleed, break, ache, swell, and sting. She wants to hurt, but she’s become such a coward that all she can do is pretend. They took away her precious pains and now she must suffer, like everyone else…

Falencia Jean-Francois hears herself screaming in her mind. She’s trapped and alone, losing herself, suffocating, dying…

Falencia Jean-Francois wants to disappear, to cease to exist, to perish if she must, but does not have the guts to make it happen…

But Falencia Jean-Francois is a master at this twisted game of lies and empty words, and she is going to smile the next time you see her.

Happy Birthday to Me!

{ October 3, 2008 @ 3:20 am } · { Nonfiction }
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It’s my birthday today, but I don’t feel any older than I did last week or even the week before. In truth, I think the change in the age I feel happens somewhere march and august. something’s telling me it could even be as specific as july.

in light of the personal holiday, i’m going to write about something that has nothing whatsoever to do with my actuall birthday.

tonight (or perhaps this morning) i wonder what kind of friend i am. i have this friend, with whom i am close, very close as far as college friends go. lately, though, i’ve been feeling like this friend has been giving me the cold shoulder and i feel like maybe our friendship is coming to an end. the thing that bothers me about this, however, is not the friendship’s end itself; it’s my ambivalence toward the whole matter. i’ve thought about this for quite some time–a few days, at least–and i’ve come to the conclusion that she, as a friend, hasn’t reached that level that merits those feelings of attachment from me. i mean, i do have friendships–right now i can only think of three–the severance of which would break my heart, but those are the ones that have taken many mental years (i’m getting to the point where i can no longer count on my ability to remember things in real time) to build. if you want a really bad metaphor, you can think about it like this: the friendships that i’ve built with my very few closest friends are strings that are tied directly around my heart, and the friendship that i have with this friend of mine, at its best, was a string tied around my wrist.

now, i’m not saying that’s where it will always be, because it’s my belife that all of my friendships and acquaintanceships (is that even a word?) have the potential to be as close as my closest. i take friendship very seriously and treasure the friends i’ve made as long as there is effort on both sides to make it work. On the other hand, i also feel that if the effort isn’t there on both parts, i feel no remorse in letting the relationship die. it’s happened before and it will happen again. i’ve found myself to be a very ‘give what i get’ person. that being said, at the beginning of the relationship, i got a lot so i gave a lot. but lately, i’ve been getting barely anything at all so… that’s what i’ve been giving. and if it’s this bad now, it’s only going to get worse as time passes, because i am going to be moving further away from her. to be quite honest, i think this move is going to be the equivalent of pulling the plug… and i’m okay with that.

does that make me a bad person? i don’t think so, but it probably does. i’m okay with that, too.

but what do i know? i’m exhaustd, so i think i’ll get some rest. maybe things will look different in the morning.

oh, and about this friend of mine, i have nothing against her. she’s a wonderful girl and i’m not saying i want our friendship to die; if she wants to continue it, i’ll be more than happy to do so, but if she wants to end it, i won’t try to stop her. not yet, anyway.

EPT

{ September 25, 2008 @ 7:16 pm } · { Fiction }
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i bought a pregnancy test today. it came out negative. sigh of relief.

To Will: <3 x eleventy billion!!!

{ July 17, 2008 @ 1:31 am } · { Nonfiction }
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the cutesy sappy love song that i dedicate to you!

random! ^^

{ July 17, 2008 @ 12:10 am } · { Nonfiction }
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it’s late and i’m on the internet with nothing better to do than write a random blog entry. one of my best friends is over and i guess i should be talking to her, but she’s currently playing guitar hero so… what should i write about?

ooh! i know! i’ll reveal one of my secret interests!

this is going to sound really random, but i’ve always wanted to be a lounge singer. i looooove anything old and smooth (i.e sinatra, dino, sammy, etc., and all worthy imitators) and the songs they sing are so simple yet they manage to convey such powerful emotions and i wish i could do that. what i wouldn’t give to be able to stand on a small stage in a little bar, wearing a long green dress, with my hair done up, singing “Fly Me to the Moon” into a stand-up mic. just me, a drummer, a guitarist, and a bassist. it’s pretty much the ultimate dream/indulgence for me. i don’t know if i’m anywhere near as good a singer as any of those guys but if i ever get the chance to try, there’s no way i’m going to let or anything else stop me. ;)

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